I’ve lived in the same house since I was 5 years old. I went away to college and got an apartment of my own, but I never considered that my parents might move. Then one day out of the blue my parents told me they were selling the house and moving to a new and better home. I started crying hysterically. Whats wrong with our home? Isn’t it good enough? So what if its 100 years old and the roof is caving in, its MY home too! All of a sudden old memories flooded my mind, the wild flowers in spring time in the corner of the yard. I would sit for hours and admire the beauty of these flowers who waited all winter to blossom only to die a few weeks later. I felt a deep pit in my soul, would the new owners of my home sit and admire their beauty as i had done for years? No. They couldn’t possibly love them like I did.
I thought about digging them up, putting them in a pot. Knowing full well they wouldn’t survive the transplant. But I didn’t care. I would rather kill them than let them go on unnoticed. And suddenly I realized I was the wild flowers and the old house, I was afraid of being left behind, being unwanted, going unnoticed. Just as I had felt all my childhood. And now it was happening again. The decision to sell the house was made, without even having a conversation with me about it. I felt overlooked.
I realized it wasn’t about the house or the flowers, it was about me. I loved them, they were always there for me, much more reliable than the people in my life at the time. No one wants to let go of something they love. But sometimes you have to.
Months later I still had the old keys on my key chain. Being in therapy helped me to work out my feelings of abandonment, and I felt I was ready to take the keys off. But I didn’t want to just throw them away unceremoniously. That would be cruel. They weren’t garbage to me, I just didn’t need them anymore. So I decided to make a rubbing of the keys.
To do this, I just placed the keys under a sheet of paper and rubbed an Ebony pencil over them. Now, when I’m feeling homesick or just want to see how far I’ve come with “letting go” I look back on these keys.